Dreams of Insanity

Last night i had an interesting dream again. I can't remember that much of it really.
Anyways, it started out with me needing groceries, so i went to the supermarket.
Nothing fancy really, just buying some stuff.
Anyways, i go to the cash register and this girl i used to fancy named Raisa, is all cheerful and stuff. And as she puts all the item through the scanner, i hear the song 'Anvil Chorus from Verdi's "Ill Trovatore". Not on the radio or anything, as it the music appeared out of nowhere.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXFZckzjcKw
(starts at 1:19).
So while she's doing that we're just talking and before i know it, the unthinkable happens. She asks me out. Yeah, i know, hard to believe, even harder to believe is me not escaping through the moving doors but saying yes.
So yeah, that was totally weird.

Even weirder was what happened next. I find myself walking outside towards town center. And near this small bridge to cross the lake, i see a UFO descending towards me. It's really small actually and some robotic probe type thing flies out and buzzes near my face, as if it's the only way i could understand him or hear him in my thoughts. Normally in my dreams i sometimes run away, but i wasn't scared at all really. Maybe for a split second. Now if you thought the previous part of my dream was weird, get a load of this. It asks me if there are women nearby that are on their period.
All i could think of was that there probably were, but i have no idea which door that probe needs to be at.

When i woke up, i was seriously asking myself if i wasn't ready now for a mental institute, cause i think people go there for having such weird dreams as these.

All in all, I did have a good night's rest.

The Interview

Last night, people from some sort of employment agency from Amsterdam tried to reach me, cause i applied for a job 2 weeks ago. Well, luckily they left me an e-mail where i could reach them.
I called them back this afternoon and the talk was pleasant.
In fact, i was invited to go to the company in Nijmegen tomorrow night to pretty much get to know the company a little better and to introduce myself etc.
Alongside with some other people who applied for the job.
Although i'm usually against the selling stuff on the phone, i do realize as well that right now i also need this job for various reasons.

1. The money
2. Location
3. Time Schedule
4. Archery

1. Money is obvious really. Everyone needs money to survive and if anyone could use it, it would be me. Although they do not pay for travel money, i can pretty much make sure, if i do everything well to get other stuff. I agreed that travel money wasn't a problem. Mostly cause i need a job.

2. Also the location was important to me and it can't be better than this.
It's not in my own town, but traveling to the location is easy by train or bus.

3. I can fill in my own times on when i want to work. Meaning, although i can work for 40 hours, they probably dont care if there is a week where i only want to work 32 or less. Sure, it would mean less money, but the ability to do that without much consequences is really an awesome thing. Also because of point 4.

4. Archery, i've talked about this before, but if i would be able to work there, it's easy traveling to Arnhem as well, since it's pretty much near the trainstation. So instead of one hour traveling, i can cut it back by at least 20 minutes, if i left from work. And even more important, i could pretty much make sure i can train all 3 days in the week.

Well, let's hope this is gonna work out for me, cause it would be awesome to get out of the house again and buy stuff and do things that really limited me due to not having any money.

Black and Purple

Using the name Diefenbacher for most things, (games, usernames online etc), the 2 colors that were always connected to it were black and purple.
Now red and blue were always my favorite colors, but i'm slowly starting to like the black and purple a bit more.
At least with the Diefenbacher name i'm using more and more dark purple.

Slowly my choice of favorite colors are shifting. Never thought that would happen.
I'm also not surprised if i change the look of my blog or other things to the black and purple theme.

Other than that the days are slow.
Nothing new happening. Well, something did 2 days ago, but i'm keeping it quiet.
I think it's for the best for now. Let's just call it my little secret.
And i have others to thank for it.

Sunday Sunday

Well, i asked my aunt who visited me this morning if we had a family crest, but unfortunately she didnt know either. Unfortunate really, cause i would have hoped i could ask my family, but i guess i'd have to find info in a different way now.
Guess i have to ask the geneology department.

Decided to put my Wii in my bedroom now. I've done this so i would actually use the device a little bit more, since i'm hardly in my living room lately.
For some reason the only part about the Wii i love are the NES games i can download. I hardly care for the Wii motion games itself.

Rest of the night i probably watch some movies. At least Justice League: Crisis in 2 worlds and possibly Day of tomorrow, or whatever that movie was called.

Crest

The last few days i've been very curious about the history of my family, and mainly wondering if we had a family crest and what it would look like.
It's like everything that is happening in my life now or the things i want to do seems to fit and feel right.

Archery, Family Crest, the history of my family.
For some reason, it seems all important now.

Hopefully i can find out things soon. I'd love to know what our family crest would look like. I'll ask in my family first when i feel like it.

I'm starting to wonder if all these things combined were something of my family past, and maybe that is why i have this urge to find out everything.

Dreams

It's funny how when people are no longer in your life, you suddenly start dreaming about them. In a way it's soothing that somehow these people are still in your life, although in dreams, but on the other hand, things can be more complicated as well.

I've always seen dreams and tiny movies in the middle of the night that have some purpose or meaning. Tiny movies that tell you about life, or your deepest wishes, or important lessons.

Whatever these dreams mean i don't know, but it's reassuring that some people are still in my life like that.

Slumber

I didnt sleep too well last night. Woke up at least 3 times.
I think my cat knows something is up, as he's really trying to be near me almost all day now. As i am typing this he's laying next to me, yet with his head on top of my chest.
Luckily my cat loves me unconditionally.

Got a letter back yesterday saying i didnt give all forms to town hall.
I'm getting really tired of them. I just want to have a job. Some income.

Spent all day in bed so far. It's now almost 3pm. I do still need to buy some groceries, but will do that later today. I can't be arsed to do this now.

Reboot !!!

Well, i deleted this blog, but i guess i could also 'undelete' it.
I wish such things were as true that you could also do these in real life.
Nevertheless, bad things happened, and whatever will happen in the future, i do look back to the good times as well.

Just watching Friends right now on DVD, which keeps me in a laughing mood.
I'm hoping i'll receive an email tomorrow from the archery club.
Would love to have more info about that.

Like the title of this entry says. It's time to reboot.
Restart everything from scratch.
Hope that some things can still be resolved.
If not, i am in total peace by that too.

After all, life goes on.

The Supermarket

I can already tell that starting the 27th of February, the supermarket near my house closes down for 2.5 week to be re-opened later under another name.
There's hardly catfood that i normally buy, any other stuff i frequently buy is suddenly gone.
I mean, just be a normal supermarket and make sure there is stuff to buy.

But on the positive side, with going to town centre, for two and a half weeks is a good workout i suppose. Heavy bags and a 10 minute walk. As long as there is no snow or ice on the sidewalks, i'm fine with it.

Point of No Return

Well, i sent the email, there is no way back now.
I've asked for more information about the archery club and how everything will get rolling basically.
If i take lessons i get the chance to use the traditional Long Bow, the Recurve Bow and the Compound Bow. Should i want to become a member, than i can choose out of these 3 and need to buy my own equipment.

Heck, i read they even have material days, teaching you how to make your own material.
That is awesome. I was always an awesome fletcher in Everquest, hopefully I'll be one in real life too.

Without emotions

Just read something on Facebook that on a normal day would have stressed me out and become upset.
I also realize by that, that the previous assumption i made that everybody lies is true.
Everybody does lie, sometimes to gain an advantage on something, or sometimes to protect the people they care about.

Nevertheless, what could have hurt me a few days ago severely, doesnt seem to bother me now.
I'm starting to enjoy these numb feelings.
I wonder what life would be if emotions did not exist.

I do have emotions, nor would i ever want to trade them in, but i think by right now disregarding them and numbing my feelings, i'm feeling fine.

Not a care in the world right now.

Enthousiasm

Hmmm, i really need to control my enthousiasm.
It backfires on me.

Something i don't need right now.

On the other hand, i am having a good time talking to Diana. <3

The Light Path of Darkness

A new friend of mine just told me "Don't forget the happy times".
It was a total random conversation but it did make me realize something.
I did only started to think back of the more crappy times in life and not the good ones.

And what's even worse, i let the darkness consume me and gave it total control.
This only makes me more determined now.
Archery lessons for discipline and new hobby in my life.
And hopefully just get me back to how i used to be.

Not sure how long the road takes me to go back, but i will.

And so life goes on...

It has been a lazy day today.
All i've did was do groceries twice, looked for jobs, write a bit in a new story i'm working on and pretty much relax.

I've hardly talked to friends this weekend, and i think i didnt really mind.
Not surprised if i just go lead a hermits life again for awhile where i hardly talk to the outside world.

I've looked into busroutes etc. to go to the Archery club.
I've been thinking about this a lot in the last two weeks and i really think it's time to pursue this childhood dream.
Besides, it gets me out of the house a bit.
I think i will send them an email soon and see how the procedures go.
Also i looked for equipment and how expensive it is.
Luckily i dont need to buy any until i decide to become a full member, but if this is what i want to do, i will definitely do my best to be as good as i can be.

Rest of the day has been boring really.
Not surprised if i go to bed early for once.

The Unknown

Just before i planned to make my dinner (around 19:40) and close up everything downstairs, i noticed an orange glowing orb in the sky. I've seen these things before, and sometimes i cannot explain what they are.
This time i'm almost convinced it was a chinese lantern though.

But i certainly love to believe that it is something more mysterious. Like a UFO.
And if it is, i invite them to land in my backyard and shake my hand.

Numb

Feeling numb right now, and it feels oh so good.
Like i'm having a moment of total clarity.

It's like i'm drugged now. :)

Bullseye

My friend Mark has started to play Badminton again. He used to do this when he was a kid and as of last year he started to play again.

I never did any kind of sports as a kid. At the age of 7 i wanted to do Kenpo karate, but apparently i was not allowed to do this. This was a major let down for me. I'm not saying i'd become a good karate person, but i always loved sports that required discipline.

For at least 15 years or so, i've always wanted to try out archery. I always wavered it off as a dream and never really thought about applying for it.
Today i looked into it again on the internet after boredom and i think i will try to join an archery club. There is one in Arnhem, which is relatively nearby. And if it's easy to get there by train and i like the 10 lessons, i might join it. And who knows, maybe if i'm good enough, i'd also play in tournaments all over the world.

Not sure when i'll consider starting this, obviously i do need some money for it. My own equipment would only be needed until i'm actually a member. But the thought is there.
I really feel like i need to develop more discipline in my life, and this might be a good way to do so. I know that every saturday there are lessons for those considering to be a member, and every tuesday, thursday and saturday free training for members for aprox. 3 hours. So it seems
to be doable. Whether i want to train only on saturdays or all 3 days.

I really wonder if i should go for it.

An open apology to my closest friends

As you might have noticed, read or heard what happened today, i've done some drastic things.
After certain circumstances which happened today, i decided this morning after long thinking, to do exactly the thing that is opposite of who and what i stand for.
I took the risk of losing everyone that are close to me, friends and family on Facebook, by deleting them. The reason i did this was pure out of principles.
Like my description on my facebook profile states:

What makes that one person special? The fact that you'd risk to lose everything, if it meant that, that special person would be near you.

This is something i'd always have stand by, and i had to risk to lose everything. I fully understand if those people closest to me, like Abbie, Martijn or Mark would not add me back again. I can understand if somehow this has upset either of you, but i do want you to know that this decision was totally mine and not someone elses.
So any anger should be directed towards me and i take full responsibility over this.

I hope you can forgive me and would still like to be my friend.
If not, i would fully understand.

Again, i am sorry !

Fear

You know, life never goes as plan. Everyone tries to plan their life, via education, dreams, hobbies.
But it all comes down to this, no matter how far you try to plan ahead, things always cross your road and screw everything up.
You lose family members, a job, your comfort zone.
And across this road, eventually, you meet new family, friends, lovers, a job, hobbies. But until you do, you never know how long you follow a certain path on your own.

Throughout life i have met numerous of people. Men, women, all with their own lives and interests.
Some i befriended and still talk to every once in awhile, most lost I lost track off, or simply because life decided that we had to split ways. Sometimes i wonder what became of them. Are they still the same person as when i met them? Probably not, Lord knows i've changed a lot as well.
From the kid that always played outside with friends, i grew up at some point becoming more isolated from society. I rather sometimes be on my own than to go visit friends for their birthdays, or just hang out with.
Disappointments in life have taught me that it is better to create your own comfortzone, where nothing can touch or hurt you.
I guess that is a reason why i don't trust people so quickly, or at least appear to be cautious around them. I've been hurt plenty enough in the past.
My friend Abbie knows all about it.

Only time will tell how the future looks like.
I just hope that people in my life right now just bare with me for now until the moodswings are gone. I certainly wish they were.