Drained

After having so much negative energy around me for the last few weeks, and now suddenly the health insurance bill going up by €10.57 each month, making them earn an extra month each year, I just can't simply handle more negative things anymore.
I am truly exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Like all of the life was drained out of me.

It's somewhat disappointed that besides my friend Mark, and @QuixoticExotic on Twitter, there has been noone else that reads my twitter, facebook or whatever has come to me and ask how i've been doing, or just talk to me and comfort me.

It suddenly questions most of my friendships with people again.
I'm truly starting to feel quite alone in the world!

Am I depressed? Not at all, it might seem like that. But i'm most of all disappointed in so many people right now. Including myself!

The Cost of Love

I'm facing a difficult situation right now that involves 2 or possibly 3 lives.
And all on an emotional level.
I'm considering, truly considering stepping back for awhile (on temporary basis), from my friendship with Tracy. I won't stop being her friend, but I think it's best if I disappear out of her life for awhile so she can do what she wants to do.

I love her to death, and she will probably never forgive me for doing this. But if I don't do this, I think our friendship is destroyed for good.

I think the less communication she and I have, the better it is for everyone at this point in time.
I want her to go into the New year with much to look forward to, instead of the emotional pain and suffering that we both shared in the last few weeks.

I blame mostly two people for this. One person we call 'Douchebag' and the other we call me. Tracy is only caught between two fires and the jealousy of two wasn't making things easier.

She's not gonna like this, but she better make the best out of this right now.
I just sincerely hope a friendship of 4 to 5 months is worth this over that of one that lasted about 6 to 7 years.

But Tracy, if you read this... this is not a bad thing... You really have to see this as my gift to you.
Your happiness is worth more than mine is to me.

Hopefully some day he's willing to set away his happiness for you as well, if he truly thinks you're important to him.

And if you happen to comment on anything on my Facebook, and I do not reply. *don't worry, I will from time to time, I won't fully ignore you).
Do NOT see this as me trying to punish you or make you feel bad.
I just want to give you total freedom away from me right now.

Like I said on Yahoo! Messenger. Right now, I wouldnt deserve you anyways.

Full Circle

Is it faith? Is there are a larger design in life that we have no understanding off?
Where Diana and I started to talk to each other one year ago. (December 23rd), we actually started to talk again on the very same day. Although few words were said, we had a good conversation today on the good old 29th of January.

A lot of things have happened in that year for both of us.
But I also think that for our friendship to work, we had to have that rough period.
Let's face it, things went too perfect in the beginning of our friendship. We probably both thought that it could be like that forever and 2 weeks later the trouble started.

But that's all in the past now, and we're living in the present.
I definitely think if we approach it carefully, our friendship can become quite good again. And with the Romanian Rat out of the picture for quite some time now, I think there's a good basis for us to rebuild this friendship.

Willpower

I'm considering doing something that i've been thinking about for the last week.
I rather not do it, but I see no other alternative.

I need to focus my mind on something.
And if I succeed, all my problems will be gone. At least the emotional ones.

I mean, I have to. I hardly feel anymore that there's communication.
I bet those that read this will start guessing now, and I can tell you now, you'd never guess it.

But what I am gonna do, will at least be for the best for everyone.

But, if I do succeed in this (again), I also proof one other thing.
I'll keep it to myself for now.

But for now, i'm off to bed.

Empy shell

I've not been feeling like my usual self anymore.
It's like my entire essence left me, and all that I am, is an empty shell.
I exist, but i'm not fully there.

I feel like everything around me is falling apart.

Like people try to protect me from something.

I rather know the truth, than always wonder about 'What if?'

Maybe it's because of the holidays. I don't know.
I watched The Grinch last night, and honestly, I can very much relate to him in most ways. I used to love Christmas, now it is meaningless to me.
A commercialized holiday. The only good thing about it? I got the week off.
Right now I rather work though, so I could get my mind off from things.

A few weeks ago Tracy and I seemed like a team. Nothing could break us apart. We flirted... even openly in her comments, and now, suddenly that is gone.
I tried it last night, but nothing.

All that I feel i'm good for is being that 'friend'. The one that makes people laugh, and be there for them.

I cry now. I miss her. I talk to her, but it's like we can't connect anymore like we used to.

I honestly believe that slowly our friendship is coming to an end.
I don't want that, and I know she does not want that either.
But her other 'friend' is just making things too hard.

A shame that a friendship that has existed for quite a lot of years seem to be coming to an end, over a friendship that only recently existed.

But as the way I feel right now, I simply cannot co-exist when he's in the picture.

I miss her. She's there, but she's out of reach now.

I feel like the dude from Titanic. Holding on to life, and slowly sinking into the depths of the ocean.

Fighting for Love

For the last couple of days, leading up to Christmas, and Tracy and my friendship being put to the test, i've ran several scenario's through my head on how to handle our peculiar situation.
Now i'm usually not the jealous type, but matter of the fact is, this friend of hers is bringing it out in me.
I've known Tracy since 2004'ish and from the moment I met her, i've always felt something special for her. If anyone in my life could ever be that one, Tracy would definitely be high on the list, if not the highest.
But how could I ever compete with anyone over her, when right now I can't be near her? Damn distances.

Don't get me wrong, I certainly want her to be happy, even if it would make me feel miserable. And i'd certainly fight to the death to win over her heart, but right now, I seriously feel that somehow this new friend is breaking us apart.
Now I did not like this bloke from the start. Something is off with him, but Tracy likes him, so all I can do is go with the flow.

The moment that I really started to dislike him was the moment he put me on ignore.
Ever since, if I said something on Facebook and he posted something too (I can't see him, nor can he see me, but you can tell by the amount of comments posted or by certain replies), I just felt like I became the subject. People can talk about you, and you can't even see it or defend it. I'm not saying that is happening, but I can't get rid of that feeling anymore.

So what to do to control the jealousy and hatred?
First I decided to delete Facebook all together. Out of sight, out of heart.
But since that's mostly our only way of communicating, that wasn't an option.
I even had thoughts (and this will break Tracy's heart for sure, but I have to be honest to her), that I would slowly fade away from Tracy's life. Post less and less, comment less and less until she'd hopefully forget about me in due time, where I can make an exit.

But truth to the matter is, I want to talk to Tracy. I love her to death and like the song from Kelly Clarkson: "My life would suck without you...", it would certainly suck without Tracy in my life as well.

So that REALLY isn't an option.
My third option right now is to simply delete every post he comments in.
It will definitely be a lonely newsfeed without seeing Tracy's wallposts in it, but what else can I do?

I feel like I simply can't win this, no matter which approach I take.
But what else can I do?

Being in love sucks major balls. Like I said before, i'd fight to the death if it meant to have her love (romantically), but right now, I doubt that would ever happen.

I'm still fighting, but I see a major defeat heading my way.

Anger

I can tell that Christmas is upon us again. Because usually, everytime around this time, things aren't going my way. I won't go into details this time, but the entire last few days have been like a living hell.

It's like the beginning of 2010 again. Seriously, it's like an almost perfect copy of what happened between Diana and me.

You know what? I can't even be arsed to finish writing this post.
I rather calm down.

What I need is what happened last year as well after the Diana debacle.
The feeling of numbness.
The feeling where i've been hurt so gigantically, that I don't have the energy anymore to simply care. Where everything is bliss and where I will once again seclude myself from most social contact, except for work.

So I now await you numbness... cover me with your goodness and let me stop caring about everyone and the world, except for myself.

Let me become the asshole I yearn to be, where the asshole does get the girl and the good guys are always last.

Let me be that asshole! I deserve that Santa!
I've been a good person for far too long now. And it never gave me anything but misery.

Humbug

Christmas is upon us, and i'll be very honest, i'm not feeling the spirit of Christmas just yet. I doubt I will.
One and a half year ago I leant a large sum of money to a family member, and i've yet to see most of it back. Result because of this is, because i'm now also in welfare, that I can't even buy myself a present I would really like to have. Something I always did every year, ever since I was 17 and we stopped giving each other presents.

I know that Christmas isn't about the presents and stuff, but when you're all alone, it's a nice distraction on days like these.
Last month I was already having a hard time getting through the month, and this month, should pretty much be the same.
In fact, i've been considering just living on soup for a month, to see how much money I can save.

I've tried to hang up some decorations and christmas lights, but to be honest, I think it's really a waste of time, because in two or three weeks, those exact decorations need to be cleaned up again, and stuffed in a closet for it to appear exactly a year later.

Maybe one of the reasons I don't like to do this is mostly because i'm alone.
Sure it's fun to do this together with someone, but with me being single, i'm not seeing that happen anytime soon.

About a week ago, my cousin's wife asked me what I was gonna do for Christmas.
Back then I said I didnt have any plans, but right now, I just really don't feel like 'celebrating' something that has little meaning to me now.

Ugh, Christmas sucks big time. It will be just a day of watching movies and spend it on the Xbox. Other than that, I doubt i'm willing to have much contact outside of that.

And so this was 2010...

Despite the fact that the year is not even over yet, I decided to write a review of this past year. I guess to review both good and bad things that happened.

JANUARY/FEBRUARY

It was an interesting year to say the least.
The year started pretty well to be honest. I met Diana, who was very supportive during the lesser periods of the year, mainly Christmas, New Years day and the day on which my father passed away, in January.
Not soon after things turned for the worse and we pretty much stopped talking.
I'm at peace with that and I do wish her the best in life. She's a good person, no matter what people say. And i'd always be thankful for being there for me, when I needed someone the most.

FEBRUARY/MARCH

During that period I was in a mentally ill (or let's leave it with that), cause I decided to delete everyone off my Facebook list. That caused some struggling between my friendship with @AmourSouille (on Twitter) as well.
Someone i've known for 8 years now and has always been there for me, and vice versa.
But luckily I had faith in that friendship and it still remains as strong as ever.

I also recharged my interest in Archery.
I decided to look for Archery clubs in my direct vicinity, and despite there was one, it wasn't something I was looking for. Luckily I found one in Arnhem and I decided to visit it on a saturday to see what it was like.
After a brief introduction, my heart was set on it. I was sad to hear that it would take about a year for me to be able to start off with it, unless I was lucky and someone would drop out.

MARCH/APRIL

I went to see Late Avond Idealen, that was created by VogelFabriek (Sanne Vogel).
I had such a good time and even had to participate in it by holding up a string of party flags. And even better, it was Markoesa Hamer that asked me to do this.
My God, she was such a beautiful actress. I was really taken back by her presence on stage, and especially when she was right in front of me.
And even more so, when I heard through Sanne Vogel on Twitter that she thought I was sweet/cute.

I finally got the welfare that I was waiting for, for over 3 months.
I was happy because at that point, I literally only had about 10 euro's left, when the first pay came in.


MAY

I was asked to join a re-integration project. I've decided to do this, so I would still be working somewhat. It's funny, because the first day I had to work, I called in sick. I felt so bad about that as well, as I wanted to make a good first impression at least. Well, I made an impression alright.
Almost reminded me of the time I started to work at CallCiC, and I just started to work with my former colleague Brenda, and I got sick. She thought she had seen the last of me then.
Anyways, the projects we do are sometimes exhausting, but for a good cause.
We started to work on a schoolyard, re-tiling the floor and install new play material, for the kids at this school.

JUNE/JULY

These two months were less impressive at the re-integration project.
Our new assignment was to remove Jacobaea vulgaris. This little plant can cause sickness with animals when they eat from it. They can literally die.
Although it was for a good cause, doing this during a very hot day where no shadows from trees etc can be found is not a good thing.
We had to remove it all from three small fields that normally had horses in it.
Or so we thought it would stay with these three fields.
Then came our worst nightmare come true. An entire meadow.

AUGUST

The first day of my 2 week holiday already started off bad. Not for me though.
In my street an elderly woman died, because a garbage truck backed up and ran her over. I didn't even realize anything happened, until I saw a Medic Helicopter land nearby and everyone walked out of their houses and looked at the direction, the elderly woman was at.
I was mostly disgusted by some people who were watching it from up close and complained as well how the Police taped everything off, and it restricted them from going to the supermarket. Walking around this and walking an extra 100 meters was out of the question for some. The rat bastards.
Another good thing happened. My cousin and his girlfriend finally got married in Las Vegas. I'll be honest, I thought he'd never get married. I like surprises.

SEPTEMBER

I suddenly got an email from ABC Taxus, the archery club.
They asked if I was still interested in the 10 lessons. I think I replied almost instantly.
During this time my cousin got back from his holiday in Las Vegas and they held their wedding party in their backyard. It was a lot of fun and the Bride looked stunning. On a sad note there. An old man that attended the party as well, died 3 days later.

A week before my birthday I started archery lessons. The last arrow I shot was a perfect bullseye, straight down the middle. Robin Hood or Green Arrow would have had a hard time in pulling this off. I own them really.

September 24th, my birthday. Despite I didn't really celebrate my birthday, as I never do, it was still celebrated by me, my cousin and his wife. We decided to go to an Italian restaurant in Nijmegen and I have to admit, the food was excellent there. Cute waitress there too. She looked a bit like Kim Feenstra (Dutch model).
Even got a text message on my phone from Diana, who I had not spoken with for ages, wishing me a happy birthday. That was very kind.

Also I started talking to Tracy again. I've known this girl since 2004 and i'm glad we got to talk again. I care a lot for her. She's been an amazing friend as well.

Another person I started talking to again was Brenda, my former colleague. Although it's actually communication through Hyves and E-mails, i'm glad she is also still in my life. During the time I worked with her I shared a lot of myself with her as well, and she was also one of the few people, I felt at ease with. Heck, why shouldn't I be? I used to have this major crush on her.

OCTOBER/NOVEMBER.

I've been sick a few times. Stomach flu was going around a lot and I caught a cold, which i'm still not over. Did some tests for work, and there are talks right now, that I might have a job soon that actually pays me.
I've known this for a few weeks now, but until either everything is finalized or that it won't go through, I decided to stay quiet about this, and will do, until I know more. No need to get excited over nothing ofcourse.
For the mean-time, I got more responsibility at the Re-integration project. I now own the keys to the 3 cars we have our breaks in, and whenever the foremen are gone, i'm in charge. (And i rule with an iron fist!!! (just kidding)

DECEMBER.

Although it's only the first day of September as I write this, we are having extremely cold weather. Luckily our working day was only 4 hours long, and all we did was hangout in the cars, to stay warm.

Also today I decided to order a ticket for the next theatre play from Sanne Vogel, which is on January 17th. This is more of a Poetic monologue this time, but nevertheless, as a huge fan of Sanne's work, i'm gonna go and be surprised again.

Well, that was 2010 for me so far. And although this year was somewhat better than 2009, I do hope that 2011 brings even more positive stuff for me.

Leaks

Today was a day that Wikileaks decided to put lots of documents out in the open, for everyone to read. It contained mostly diplomatic communications and thoughts about certain world leaders, that mostly were not on a positive note.

Now i've always been someone about open governments, and I believe even President Barack Obama vowed to have this during his run as a President.
And here's what I think is interesting. Despite the 'Open Government' policy that they all like to have, it is heavily resisted, now certain documents have seen the light of day.

But like I said, I like the fact that the government would be more open towards their citizens, yet what Wikileaks is doing is wrong. In fact, it is this kind of 'Open Policy' that could cause major political and diplomatic damage around the world.

Just think... a certain hostile nation like North Korea reads something about their leaders, go ballistic and start to attack whoever is in range. BOOM !!! And a war starts. The Middle East is already an unstable region for many decades, and the publications of these documents from Wikileaks, certainly won't be helping.
I think, in a worst case scenario, it could eventually lead into a third World War, and this only because of these documents one person insisted on publishing online.

With that said, I also think that the goverments should be more careful about how their information can be downloaded to USB sticks, Laptops etc. etc.
The Pentagon already decided to upgrade their computer systems, so things like this could not happen again... But it's already too late.

In my country, it seems to happen a lot as well. I've heard constantly about documentation being out in the open, because for instance a politician forgot his laptop or lost a USB stick.

If Wikileaks decide to continue with publishing documents that have a high risk factor like causing diplomatic relations to become frail between two parties, it should be better off by cooperating with these governments and reveal whoever is the mole that somehow delivered that information to them.
In the event Wikileaks is responsible for hacking, they should be arrested for cybercrimes etc.

But while I am all typing this, I suddenly wonder one thing. Many people around the world are convinced that their governments, or at least that of the U.S. are hiding the fact that they have worked on Extraterrestial craft (UFO's) or are in contact with beings from above.
Now if this is true, then publish these kind of documents.

All in all, I hope that Wikileaks will stop publishing material like this, unless it's ofcourse about Little green men.

*hums the X-files tune*

Leadership

A lot has been going on lately.
As I've mentioned before, i've been doing archery lessons for the last 10 weeks.
These lessons have now come to an end and i've been offered to join the archery club in Arnhem. I've gladly accepted this, and can now work on my skills and improve them.
I'm still a long way though if i want to do competitions.
Luckily for me, if i'm lucky, I will be appointed a mentor that also does competitions. This would mean that he could teach me the finer art of archery when it comes to competition.

At work things might improve as well. I might actually have a paid job soon.
Do know that I am saying 'might', as it's still a wait and see situation right now, but hopefully things turn out positive. I could use the paychecks and be able to live a little bit without worrying too much about money.

At work where I am right now i've been given more responsibility in the last few weeks. I've become one of the keyholders, and whenever either foremen aren't around, i'm pretty much in charge. Which seems to happen a lot more recently.
Next week i'm gonna be in charge of two people specifically. This is a training for me of some sorts. Both are fairly new, and one is most likely gonna be cooperative, while the other could be my worst nightmare ever. The latter is pretty much an unmotived person and seems to lack the respect of authority sometimes.
It might become an interesting week next week, or pretty much the week from hell.

Missing In Action

It has been more than half a year now since my last post.
I just could not be bothered by posting anything new.

But I will give a quick update on what has happened so far.

Back in May, I started to work for a reintegration program, to get me back to a paid job. I can happily announce, that so far, this has not happened yet and i am starting to wonder a lot, whether or not they're actually doing stuff to help me.
I've done a few tests etc, but that was done 5 to 6 months after I started there.
This could have been done sooner.

Since September 18th, I have started Archery lessons.
I got an email a week prior, with it saying that spaces opened up and if I was still interested.
The very first lesson i managed to shoot a perfect bullseye.
The lesson last week, we were doing a competition and I ended up in second place.
I can safely say that this is something I want to continue doing. I am really enjoying it, and even better... I have my own archery set complete.
With the exception of 2 things, a spanner, which makes sure the string of the bow will be fastened and a backpack.
I did get a metal case where I could put everything in, but that's just too heavy to lift and travel with.

Lately I am thinking of stopping with Facebook (again)!
No worries, I refuse to delete people off my list this time, but I don't know, I just don't feel like it's my place anymore.

In other good news, a friend and colleague from the past and I are emailing each other frequently. I'm just happy that despite not having seen or talked verbally for about 2 years now, there's still contact.
Mind you, normally no matter where I work, i really don't feel like staying in touch with people, cause it's a thing of the past for me then. This pretty much still goes up for me, but i'm happy to make the exception, just for her.
Besides, I used to fancy her.

Well, there you go.
A quick update on what has been happening with me.

Words of Wisdom

Sometimes people wonder why i am strong in certain situations.
Like not showing emotions during funerals or act relaxed during stressing situations.
Well, i'm not saying i'm without emotions or stressed, but i remember this old saying I once heared.

Lord give me the strength to deal with what i can and endure what i can't.

For some reason it relaxes me.
It also makes me realize that certain situations in life we can not avoid. Death being one of them, whether it's our own or that of others.
At least not until we discovered the fountain of youth or somehow be able to cheat death.

Either way, those words of wisdom can give strength in all kinds of situations. Whether we don't see things clear anymore or feel all alone.

Balance

It's now about a month that i haven't talked to Diana. Part of me is glad that there has not been any contact at all. Mostly cause i'm starting to do the stuff again that i stopped doing. I hardly played games or watched movies and more. Everything i put aside for her. Also life feels less dramatic now. So i'm feeling good overall.

But i also feel kind of sad still. Cause she made a large impact in my life and was there for me during some rough times. I really miss the first week that we met. I think we had the best time then.

But during the time i was friends with Diana, the friendship with Abbie went downhill, and now that Diana is out of my life, the friendship with Abbie grows stronger.

It's like life needs a certain balance. A balance between good and evil, ying and yang, positive and negative.
But the ramifications of my friendship with Diana are still present as well.
There have been people that seemed to have been interested in me, but that interest is not returned. Although feeling flattered, i can't bring up any feelings whatsoever.
Why do i say it's cause of the ramifications of the friendship with Diana?
I guess that on some level, i still miss her. My love for her is completely over, but on some level i still care for her.

Also i think i'm better off being alone anyways.
I can do my own things, when and how i want, and i don't feel the need to be around every single day, just so i can talk to some people.
To me, my life feels more balanced again.

Earthquakes

I find it curious how within a time-span of 3 months, several major earthquakes have happened. First it was a tsunami on December 26th near the region that was struck with a Tsunami, only a few years ago on December 26th as well. Then this year there was an earthquake Haitï, around January 12 of this year. Terrible, terrible news that was. So many deaths happened.
As if it wasn't enough, a month and a half later, two earthquakes happened again.
Japan was hit and so was Chile within a matter of days.
Now two weeks after that, Turkey had an earthquake.

Seriously, not sure if any of my readers ever read about 2012, or perhaps seen the movie, but the more we seem to get closer to this date, the more seems to happen.

Severe earthquakes, Solar activity being much less than usual, even the protective magnetic bubble around our solar system that protects us from deep space radiation has diminished. We've also been way overdue to a Polar shift, in which the magnetic field will shift, giving us a new magnetic north, and should that happen, it might cause chaos as well, not to mention several earthquakes etc.

I really wonder what is next. It's like the Earth is changing right now.
All we can do is wait and sit it out.

Hopefully there won't be an earthquake for a very long time.

Aiming the arrow

So I decided to visit the Archery club today instead of upcoming saturday. I have to say that it looked quite fun to take lessons there. And oh my, some pretty girls there too shooting their arrows.
But seriously, this man showed me around a little and told me a bit about the history of the archery club and how some people that shoot there are also playing national competitions.

Good news is they seriously managed to convince me to take lessons there, the downside is, the first 2 lesson blocks of 10 lessons are practically already booked as there seems to be a lot of interest in this sport.
So it might take 2 or 3 months before i can follow the lessons, but i'm not bothered about that.
The man advised me to just send an email saying i'm interested in following lessons and that i should hear then when i could start.
So i'll send that email tomorrow and hopefully i get a response back from the person in charge, as he wasn't there today.

Root of Evil

Some people say that money is the root of all evil. I have to agree.
I've been wondering a few days ago about what would happen to the world if suddenly all money was not worth anything anymore or all burned in a blazing fire.
I mean, why do we put so much worth into money? A simple piece of paper that is probably printed for only worth a few cents and can be used as something that is worth € 100 for instance.

People are fools really to put so much value into money.
Now with the economic crisis happening all over the world, I secretly hope that money becomes obsolete. Only one person that is a visionary in my eyes knew what the world could look like. I'm talking about Gene Roddenberry here.
In the Star Trek universe, the people stopped using money long ago and only worked on improving themselves and others.
If people needed food or any appliance or tool, they simply got it.

Also it would probably solve many problems in the world i think.

The Final Frontier

As many know or might have guessed, i'm someone that loves to play videogames.
This also means the always time consuming MMORPG's.
If you wonder what that means, google it. Or just know that World of Warcraft is also a MMORPG. So you get the idea.

I've beta tested the game Star Trek Online and wanted to play it at launch, but unfortunately this was thwarted by certain money issues.

Well, i am planning to buy it today and play it, cause this is a game i could play for months and not get bored with it.
And as luck has it, a few friends of mine also play this, so it won't be much of a solo career in Starfleet.

Playing games like these are perfect for whenever i start to get bored.
Not sure how much i'll play it, but knowing how much time i spent on Everquest and City of Heroes, yeah, this could go on for awhile.

Well, here's to me becoming the next Captain Kirk.

Bow and Arrow

Well, thanks to my friend Marco (Slate), he pointed out another archery club that is even closer to home.
Luckily the yearly costs are cheaper too, but i can't seem to know from their website on which bows they use. All i'm seeing is the recurve bow and if they only use that, than i might still go for the other club.
The one in Arnhem teaches you with 3 bows and you can decide yourself later which bow you prefer.

Well, i sent an email to the club in Nijmegen and hopefully i get a reply soon.
If they also do it like the one in Arnhem, than Nijmegen is the obvious choice.

Excitement grows about this new hobby and i can't wait to start.

Dreams of Insanity

Last night i had an interesting dream again. I can't remember that much of it really.
Anyways, it started out with me needing groceries, so i went to the supermarket.
Nothing fancy really, just buying some stuff.
Anyways, i go to the cash register and this girl i used to fancy named Raisa, is all cheerful and stuff. And as she puts all the item through the scanner, i hear the song 'Anvil Chorus from Verdi's "Ill Trovatore". Not on the radio or anything, as it the music appeared out of nowhere.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXFZckzjcKw
(starts at 1:19).
So while she's doing that we're just talking and before i know it, the unthinkable happens. She asks me out. Yeah, i know, hard to believe, even harder to believe is me not escaping through the moving doors but saying yes.
So yeah, that was totally weird.

Even weirder was what happened next. I find myself walking outside towards town center. And near this small bridge to cross the lake, i see a UFO descending towards me. It's really small actually and some robotic probe type thing flies out and buzzes near my face, as if it's the only way i could understand him or hear him in my thoughts. Normally in my dreams i sometimes run away, but i wasn't scared at all really. Maybe for a split second. Now if you thought the previous part of my dream was weird, get a load of this. It asks me if there are women nearby that are on their period.
All i could think of was that there probably were, but i have no idea which door that probe needs to be at.

When i woke up, i was seriously asking myself if i wasn't ready now for a mental institute, cause i think people go there for having such weird dreams as these.

All in all, I did have a good night's rest.

The Interview

Last night, people from some sort of employment agency from Amsterdam tried to reach me, cause i applied for a job 2 weeks ago. Well, luckily they left me an e-mail where i could reach them.
I called them back this afternoon and the talk was pleasant.
In fact, i was invited to go to the company in Nijmegen tomorrow night to pretty much get to know the company a little better and to introduce myself etc.
Alongside with some other people who applied for the job.
Although i'm usually against the selling stuff on the phone, i do realize as well that right now i also need this job for various reasons.

1. The money
2. Location
3. Time Schedule
4. Archery

1. Money is obvious really. Everyone needs money to survive and if anyone could use it, it would be me. Although they do not pay for travel money, i can pretty much make sure, if i do everything well to get other stuff. I agreed that travel money wasn't a problem. Mostly cause i need a job.

2. Also the location was important to me and it can't be better than this.
It's not in my own town, but traveling to the location is easy by train or bus.

3. I can fill in my own times on when i want to work. Meaning, although i can work for 40 hours, they probably dont care if there is a week where i only want to work 32 or less. Sure, it would mean less money, but the ability to do that without much consequences is really an awesome thing. Also because of point 4.

4. Archery, i've talked about this before, but if i would be able to work there, it's easy traveling to Arnhem as well, since it's pretty much near the trainstation. So instead of one hour traveling, i can cut it back by at least 20 minutes, if i left from work. And even more important, i could pretty much make sure i can train all 3 days in the week.

Well, let's hope this is gonna work out for me, cause it would be awesome to get out of the house again and buy stuff and do things that really limited me due to not having any money.

Black and Purple

Using the name Diefenbacher for most things, (games, usernames online etc), the 2 colors that were always connected to it were black and purple.
Now red and blue were always my favorite colors, but i'm slowly starting to like the black and purple a bit more.
At least with the Diefenbacher name i'm using more and more dark purple.

Slowly my choice of favorite colors are shifting. Never thought that would happen.
I'm also not surprised if i change the look of my blog or other things to the black and purple theme.

Other than that the days are slow.
Nothing new happening. Well, something did 2 days ago, but i'm keeping it quiet.
I think it's for the best for now. Let's just call it my little secret.
And i have others to thank for it.

Sunday Sunday

Well, i asked my aunt who visited me this morning if we had a family crest, but unfortunately she didnt know either. Unfortunate really, cause i would have hoped i could ask my family, but i guess i'd have to find info in a different way now.
Guess i have to ask the geneology department.

Decided to put my Wii in my bedroom now. I've done this so i would actually use the device a little bit more, since i'm hardly in my living room lately.
For some reason the only part about the Wii i love are the NES games i can download. I hardly care for the Wii motion games itself.

Rest of the night i probably watch some movies. At least Justice League: Crisis in 2 worlds and possibly Day of tomorrow, or whatever that movie was called.

Crest

The last few days i've been very curious about the history of my family, and mainly wondering if we had a family crest and what it would look like.
It's like everything that is happening in my life now or the things i want to do seems to fit and feel right.

Archery, Family Crest, the history of my family.
For some reason, it seems all important now.

Hopefully i can find out things soon. I'd love to know what our family crest would look like. I'll ask in my family first when i feel like it.

I'm starting to wonder if all these things combined were something of my family past, and maybe that is why i have this urge to find out everything.

Dreams

It's funny how when people are no longer in your life, you suddenly start dreaming about them. In a way it's soothing that somehow these people are still in your life, although in dreams, but on the other hand, things can be more complicated as well.

I've always seen dreams and tiny movies in the middle of the night that have some purpose or meaning. Tiny movies that tell you about life, or your deepest wishes, or important lessons.

Whatever these dreams mean i don't know, but it's reassuring that some people are still in my life like that.

Slumber

I didnt sleep too well last night. Woke up at least 3 times.
I think my cat knows something is up, as he's really trying to be near me almost all day now. As i am typing this he's laying next to me, yet with his head on top of my chest.
Luckily my cat loves me unconditionally.

Got a letter back yesterday saying i didnt give all forms to town hall.
I'm getting really tired of them. I just want to have a job. Some income.

Spent all day in bed so far. It's now almost 3pm. I do still need to buy some groceries, but will do that later today. I can't be arsed to do this now.

Reboot !!!

Well, i deleted this blog, but i guess i could also 'undelete' it.
I wish such things were as true that you could also do these in real life.
Nevertheless, bad things happened, and whatever will happen in the future, i do look back to the good times as well.

Just watching Friends right now on DVD, which keeps me in a laughing mood.
I'm hoping i'll receive an email tomorrow from the archery club.
Would love to have more info about that.

Like the title of this entry says. It's time to reboot.
Restart everything from scratch.
Hope that some things can still be resolved.
If not, i am in total peace by that too.

After all, life goes on.

The Supermarket

I can already tell that starting the 27th of February, the supermarket near my house closes down for 2.5 week to be re-opened later under another name.
There's hardly catfood that i normally buy, any other stuff i frequently buy is suddenly gone.
I mean, just be a normal supermarket and make sure there is stuff to buy.

But on the positive side, with going to town centre, for two and a half weeks is a good workout i suppose. Heavy bags and a 10 minute walk. As long as there is no snow or ice on the sidewalks, i'm fine with it.

Point of No Return

Well, i sent the email, there is no way back now.
I've asked for more information about the archery club and how everything will get rolling basically.
If i take lessons i get the chance to use the traditional Long Bow, the Recurve Bow and the Compound Bow. Should i want to become a member, than i can choose out of these 3 and need to buy my own equipment.

Heck, i read they even have material days, teaching you how to make your own material.
That is awesome. I was always an awesome fletcher in Everquest, hopefully I'll be one in real life too.

Without emotions

Just read something on Facebook that on a normal day would have stressed me out and become upset.
I also realize by that, that the previous assumption i made that everybody lies is true.
Everybody does lie, sometimes to gain an advantage on something, or sometimes to protect the people they care about.

Nevertheless, what could have hurt me a few days ago severely, doesnt seem to bother me now.
I'm starting to enjoy these numb feelings.
I wonder what life would be if emotions did not exist.

I do have emotions, nor would i ever want to trade them in, but i think by right now disregarding them and numbing my feelings, i'm feeling fine.

Not a care in the world right now.

Enthousiasm

Hmmm, i really need to control my enthousiasm.
It backfires on me.

Something i don't need right now.

On the other hand, i am having a good time talking to Diana. <3

The Light Path of Darkness

A new friend of mine just told me "Don't forget the happy times".
It was a total random conversation but it did make me realize something.
I did only started to think back of the more crappy times in life and not the good ones.

And what's even worse, i let the darkness consume me and gave it total control.
This only makes me more determined now.
Archery lessons for discipline and new hobby in my life.
And hopefully just get me back to how i used to be.

Not sure how long the road takes me to go back, but i will.

And so life goes on...

It has been a lazy day today.
All i've did was do groceries twice, looked for jobs, write a bit in a new story i'm working on and pretty much relax.

I've hardly talked to friends this weekend, and i think i didnt really mind.
Not surprised if i just go lead a hermits life again for awhile where i hardly talk to the outside world.

I've looked into busroutes etc. to go to the Archery club.
I've been thinking about this a lot in the last two weeks and i really think it's time to pursue this childhood dream.
Besides, it gets me out of the house a bit.
I think i will send them an email soon and see how the procedures go.
Also i looked for equipment and how expensive it is.
Luckily i dont need to buy any until i decide to become a full member, but if this is what i want to do, i will definitely do my best to be as good as i can be.

Rest of the day has been boring really.
Not surprised if i go to bed early for once.

The Unknown

Just before i planned to make my dinner (around 19:40) and close up everything downstairs, i noticed an orange glowing orb in the sky. I've seen these things before, and sometimes i cannot explain what they are.
This time i'm almost convinced it was a chinese lantern though.

But i certainly love to believe that it is something more mysterious. Like a UFO.
And if it is, i invite them to land in my backyard and shake my hand.

Numb

Feeling numb right now, and it feels oh so good.
Like i'm having a moment of total clarity.

It's like i'm drugged now. :)

Bullseye

My friend Mark has started to play Badminton again. He used to do this when he was a kid and as of last year he started to play again.

I never did any kind of sports as a kid. At the age of 7 i wanted to do Kenpo karate, but apparently i was not allowed to do this. This was a major let down for me. I'm not saying i'd become a good karate person, but i always loved sports that required discipline.

For at least 15 years or so, i've always wanted to try out archery. I always wavered it off as a dream and never really thought about applying for it.
Today i looked into it again on the internet after boredom and i think i will try to join an archery club. There is one in Arnhem, which is relatively nearby. And if it's easy to get there by train and i like the 10 lessons, i might join it. And who knows, maybe if i'm good enough, i'd also play in tournaments all over the world.

Not sure when i'll consider starting this, obviously i do need some money for it. My own equipment would only be needed until i'm actually a member. But the thought is there.
I really feel like i need to develop more discipline in my life, and this might be a good way to do so. I know that every saturday there are lessons for those considering to be a member, and every tuesday, thursday and saturday free training for members for aprox. 3 hours. So it seems
to be doable. Whether i want to train only on saturdays or all 3 days.

I really wonder if i should go for it.

An open apology to my closest friends

As you might have noticed, read or heard what happened today, i've done some drastic things.
After certain circumstances which happened today, i decided this morning after long thinking, to do exactly the thing that is opposite of who and what i stand for.
I took the risk of losing everyone that are close to me, friends and family on Facebook, by deleting them. The reason i did this was pure out of principles.
Like my description on my facebook profile states:

What makes that one person special? The fact that you'd risk to lose everything, if it meant that, that special person would be near you.

This is something i'd always have stand by, and i had to risk to lose everything. I fully understand if those people closest to me, like Abbie, Martijn or Mark would not add me back again. I can understand if somehow this has upset either of you, but i do want you to know that this decision was totally mine and not someone elses.
So any anger should be directed towards me and i take full responsibility over this.

I hope you can forgive me and would still like to be my friend.
If not, i would fully understand.

Again, i am sorry !

Fear

You know, life never goes as plan. Everyone tries to plan their life, via education, dreams, hobbies.
But it all comes down to this, no matter how far you try to plan ahead, things always cross your road and screw everything up.
You lose family members, a job, your comfort zone.
And across this road, eventually, you meet new family, friends, lovers, a job, hobbies. But until you do, you never know how long you follow a certain path on your own.

Throughout life i have met numerous of people. Men, women, all with their own lives and interests.
Some i befriended and still talk to every once in awhile, most lost I lost track off, or simply because life decided that we had to split ways. Sometimes i wonder what became of them. Are they still the same person as when i met them? Probably not, Lord knows i've changed a lot as well.
From the kid that always played outside with friends, i grew up at some point becoming more isolated from society. I rather sometimes be on my own than to go visit friends for their birthdays, or just hang out with.
Disappointments in life have taught me that it is better to create your own comfortzone, where nothing can touch or hurt you.
I guess that is a reason why i don't trust people so quickly, or at least appear to be cautious around them. I've been hurt plenty enough in the past.
My friend Abbie knows all about it.

Only time will tell how the future looks like.
I just hope that people in my life right now just bare with me for now until the moodswings are gone. I certainly wish they were.

My life in a nutshell

No matter what people say or do, I think that life can play silly tricks on a person. One moment a person is absolutely happy in life. A person falls in love, has child(ren) and the next it's all taken away because either a loved one dies, or perhaps both die in a horrible accident, leaving a child behind.
My life is somewhat like that too. Life started out pretty good. I had a good childhood.
Sure, there were times when i'm sure both my parents could crawl up the curtains cause i did something that was frowned upon by them, but overall, it was a good time.
It started to go downhill i guess when my mom found out she had cancer at the age of 32. My neighbour had the same cancer, except that was the terminal one. For awhile i thought this would happen too to my mother. I was still a kid, so how would i know?
Then my dad had a heart attack at the age of 36. Luckily he survived, but had another one not too long afterwards. It's ironic really when people tell you that sports is healthy for you, yet you find out that lots of people that play a sports get heart attacks and sometimes die.
Is sports really that good for you?
Not long after that, my grandpa passed away. I was only 12. I remember the day vividly. I mean, i wasn't at the hospital when it happened. My grandpa didnt want me to be there either. Not because he hated me or anything, i know he didn't, but he knew it would be hard on me.
I was send to my friend Marco to play there for the day. And i'm not sure around what time he passed away, but i knew it was around 4pm. I had a weird feeling around then.
Also when my parents were back home and i went home too, i already knew what happened before they told me.
In between 1990 when my grandpa passed away and 2003, there were more deaths in the family, but as hard as it may sound, they didnt affect me much as they were mostly family members i hardly saw. Nevertheless, my mom's condition became worse. Due to radiation treatments in the past, her lung capacity became less and her spleen was as good as gone.
One moment she could easily walk around and before you knew it, she couldn't even reach the dinner table anymore or go upstairs on her own.
In 2000 the doctors apparently told my dad and her that she may not live much longer. A year at the most. Now i was told that the inevitable could happen, but still it's something you rather not hear.
Because in all fairness, losing either 1 or both my parents was the worst thing that could happen to me. Luckily my mom lived on for at least 3 more years.
My mom developed breastcancer as well in the last year that she lived, and got treated twice for it, only to find out it already spread out.
5 days before she passed away i had a dream. In it was my mom who came to visit me and said her goodbyes to me. Although i just waved it off as a dream, the days that followed i kept thinking of that dream and realized that perhaps my mind told me that this was it.
She passed away of cardiac arrest and not due to diseases.
Less than 2 to 4 weeks later my grandpa (my dad's father) passed away as well.
I never told my dad this, but i'm sure he knew that i had the upmost respect for him and how he got through 2 deaths close to him.
For weeks i feared this would cause another heart attack or so to my dad, due to stress etc.
We adjusted to life as it was really, and the next 6 years went by like a rollercoaster.
My grandma got sick as well for a few months before she passed away.

Then came 2009. I guess the worst year of my life.
On January 30th, my dad passed away. The day before he was already not feeling well, mostly being very cold. No matter how high the temperature was. But it's not a sign when you think that things will go bad. It was mostly unexpected really. And i remember it was a friday and finding your dad passed away is truly a scary moment to live through. How i held my head clear i do not know. But after seeing him laying there in quite a weird position, and with tears in my eyes yelling Dad! I knew what happened. Nevertheless, calling 112 (national alarm number) was the first thing in mind. This might sound funny, it does to me at least, but i remember the phonecall to my work as well.
All i could say was that my dad passed away so i don't think i can make it that day to work.
I think when it became nighttime and all family was gone, it all really sank in.
It even affected my cat who loved being around my dad. He was there the entire night.
Three months later i lost my job as well.

But hey, i'm not saying all life was bad. Surely it seems like that as i only talked about the negative. It certainly had it's ups as well.
The times my dad let me play on his gameconsole when i still lived in Nijmegen, just after he went to work. Or going to the soccer field where he used to play soccer and just play with my own soccerball there. Oh the times i got covered in mud there. My parents were furious, but hey, i had a good time. Or all the times i watched TV or a movie with my mom or both my parents.

But also all other good times when i met people. Most online. Poh Gaik, who i now know for 11 years. And Abbie, who has been supporting me a lot when my mom passed away, and who i support in return whenever life wasn't going well for her. I shouldn't forget my ex gf either. She kept me sane through rough times between 2000 and 2003.

I don't know what else life will bring me. But i hope for years to come, that it is only positive things.

What a week

What a week.

There was a day that i wasn't feeling myself. Where i could do nothing right, and then last night, i could do everything right. Diana and i are now officially a couple, and it feels good. I definitely like this girl and i think the two of us could have lots of fun together. Whether it's to annoy people who are acting like jackasses, which we sometimes encounter, or just spending time between the two of us. Nevertheless, this girl is special and knows how to give me a smile. She's the best <3

Special thanks to Mia (@Mia) on Twitter for making a small video especially for me at the Heroes Wrap party. Too bad it was a little dark, but i still liked it.
Speaking of Heroes, i do hope that they get a 5th season. NBC is screwing around so much lately with programs... Heroes deserves at least another season. And make Eric Doyle the main villain, assuming he won't get killed off this season.