Drained

After having so much negative energy around me for the last few weeks, and now suddenly the health insurance bill going up by €10.57 each month, making them earn an extra month each year, I just can't simply handle more negative things anymore.
I am truly exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Like all of the life was drained out of me.

It's somewhat disappointed that besides my friend Mark, and @QuixoticExotic on Twitter, there has been noone else that reads my twitter, facebook or whatever has come to me and ask how i've been doing, or just talk to me and comfort me.

It suddenly questions most of my friendships with people again.
I'm truly starting to feel quite alone in the world!

Am I depressed? Not at all, it might seem like that. But i'm most of all disappointed in so many people right now. Including myself!

The Cost of Love

I'm facing a difficult situation right now that involves 2 or possibly 3 lives.
And all on an emotional level.
I'm considering, truly considering stepping back for awhile (on temporary basis), from my friendship with Tracy. I won't stop being her friend, but I think it's best if I disappear out of her life for awhile so she can do what she wants to do.

I love her to death, and she will probably never forgive me for doing this. But if I don't do this, I think our friendship is destroyed for good.

I think the less communication she and I have, the better it is for everyone at this point in time.
I want her to go into the New year with much to look forward to, instead of the emotional pain and suffering that we both shared in the last few weeks.

I blame mostly two people for this. One person we call 'Douchebag' and the other we call me. Tracy is only caught between two fires and the jealousy of two wasn't making things easier.

She's not gonna like this, but she better make the best out of this right now.
I just sincerely hope a friendship of 4 to 5 months is worth this over that of one that lasted about 6 to 7 years.

But Tracy, if you read this... this is not a bad thing... You really have to see this as my gift to you.
Your happiness is worth more than mine is to me.

Hopefully some day he's willing to set away his happiness for you as well, if he truly thinks you're important to him.

And if you happen to comment on anything on my Facebook, and I do not reply. *don't worry, I will from time to time, I won't fully ignore you).
Do NOT see this as me trying to punish you or make you feel bad.
I just want to give you total freedom away from me right now.

Like I said on Yahoo! Messenger. Right now, I wouldnt deserve you anyways.

Full Circle

Is it faith? Is there are a larger design in life that we have no understanding off?
Where Diana and I started to talk to each other one year ago. (December 23rd), we actually started to talk again on the very same day. Although few words were said, we had a good conversation today on the good old 29th of January.

A lot of things have happened in that year for both of us.
But I also think that for our friendship to work, we had to have that rough period.
Let's face it, things went too perfect in the beginning of our friendship. We probably both thought that it could be like that forever and 2 weeks later the trouble started.

But that's all in the past now, and we're living in the present.
I definitely think if we approach it carefully, our friendship can become quite good again. And with the Romanian Rat out of the picture for quite some time now, I think there's a good basis for us to rebuild this friendship.

Willpower

I'm considering doing something that i've been thinking about for the last week.
I rather not do it, but I see no other alternative.

I need to focus my mind on something.
And if I succeed, all my problems will be gone. At least the emotional ones.

I mean, I have to. I hardly feel anymore that there's communication.
I bet those that read this will start guessing now, and I can tell you now, you'd never guess it.

But what I am gonna do, will at least be for the best for everyone.

But, if I do succeed in this (again), I also proof one other thing.
I'll keep it to myself for now.

But for now, i'm off to bed.

Empy shell

I've not been feeling like my usual self anymore.
It's like my entire essence left me, and all that I am, is an empty shell.
I exist, but i'm not fully there.

I feel like everything around me is falling apart.

Like people try to protect me from something.

I rather know the truth, than always wonder about 'What if?'

Maybe it's because of the holidays. I don't know.
I watched The Grinch last night, and honestly, I can very much relate to him in most ways. I used to love Christmas, now it is meaningless to me.
A commercialized holiday. The only good thing about it? I got the week off.
Right now I rather work though, so I could get my mind off from things.

A few weeks ago Tracy and I seemed like a team. Nothing could break us apart. We flirted... even openly in her comments, and now, suddenly that is gone.
I tried it last night, but nothing.

All that I feel i'm good for is being that 'friend'. The one that makes people laugh, and be there for them.

I cry now. I miss her. I talk to her, but it's like we can't connect anymore like we used to.

I honestly believe that slowly our friendship is coming to an end.
I don't want that, and I know she does not want that either.
But her other 'friend' is just making things too hard.

A shame that a friendship that has existed for quite a lot of years seem to be coming to an end, over a friendship that only recently existed.

But as the way I feel right now, I simply cannot co-exist when he's in the picture.

I miss her. She's there, but she's out of reach now.

I feel like the dude from Titanic. Holding on to life, and slowly sinking into the depths of the ocean.

Fighting for Love

For the last couple of days, leading up to Christmas, and Tracy and my friendship being put to the test, i've ran several scenario's through my head on how to handle our peculiar situation.
Now i'm usually not the jealous type, but matter of the fact is, this friend of hers is bringing it out in me.
I've known Tracy since 2004'ish and from the moment I met her, i've always felt something special for her. If anyone in my life could ever be that one, Tracy would definitely be high on the list, if not the highest.
But how could I ever compete with anyone over her, when right now I can't be near her? Damn distances.

Don't get me wrong, I certainly want her to be happy, even if it would make me feel miserable. And i'd certainly fight to the death to win over her heart, but right now, I seriously feel that somehow this new friend is breaking us apart.
Now I did not like this bloke from the start. Something is off with him, but Tracy likes him, so all I can do is go with the flow.

The moment that I really started to dislike him was the moment he put me on ignore.
Ever since, if I said something on Facebook and he posted something too (I can't see him, nor can he see me, but you can tell by the amount of comments posted or by certain replies), I just felt like I became the subject. People can talk about you, and you can't even see it or defend it. I'm not saying that is happening, but I can't get rid of that feeling anymore.

So what to do to control the jealousy and hatred?
First I decided to delete Facebook all together. Out of sight, out of heart.
But since that's mostly our only way of communicating, that wasn't an option.
I even had thoughts (and this will break Tracy's heart for sure, but I have to be honest to her), that I would slowly fade away from Tracy's life. Post less and less, comment less and less until she'd hopefully forget about me in due time, where I can make an exit.

But truth to the matter is, I want to talk to Tracy. I love her to death and like the song from Kelly Clarkson: "My life would suck without you...", it would certainly suck without Tracy in my life as well.

So that REALLY isn't an option.
My third option right now is to simply delete every post he comments in.
It will definitely be a lonely newsfeed without seeing Tracy's wallposts in it, but what else can I do?

I feel like I simply can't win this, no matter which approach I take.
But what else can I do?

Being in love sucks major balls. Like I said before, i'd fight to the death if it meant to have her love (romantically), but right now, I doubt that would ever happen.

I'm still fighting, but I see a major defeat heading my way.

Anger

I can tell that Christmas is upon us again. Because usually, everytime around this time, things aren't going my way. I won't go into details this time, but the entire last few days have been like a living hell.

It's like the beginning of 2010 again. Seriously, it's like an almost perfect copy of what happened between Diana and me.

You know what? I can't even be arsed to finish writing this post.
I rather calm down.

What I need is what happened last year as well after the Diana debacle.
The feeling of numbness.
The feeling where i've been hurt so gigantically, that I don't have the energy anymore to simply care. Where everything is bliss and where I will once again seclude myself from most social contact, except for work.

So I now await you numbness... cover me with your goodness and let me stop caring about everyone and the world, except for myself.

Let me become the asshole I yearn to be, where the asshole does get the girl and the good guys are always last.

Let me be that asshole! I deserve that Santa!
I've been a good person for far too long now. And it never gave me anything but misery.

Humbug

Christmas is upon us, and i'll be very honest, i'm not feeling the spirit of Christmas just yet. I doubt I will.
One and a half year ago I leant a large sum of money to a family member, and i've yet to see most of it back. Result because of this is, because i'm now also in welfare, that I can't even buy myself a present I would really like to have. Something I always did every year, ever since I was 17 and we stopped giving each other presents.

I know that Christmas isn't about the presents and stuff, but when you're all alone, it's a nice distraction on days like these.
Last month I was already having a hard time getting through the month, and this month, should pretty much be the same.
In fact, i've been considering just living on soup for a month, to see how much money I can save.

I've tried to hang up some decorations and christmas lights, but to be honest, I think it's really a waste of time, because in two or three weeks, those exact decorations need to be cleaned up again, and stuffed in a closet for it to appear exactly a year later.

Maybe one of the reasons I don't like to do this is mostly because i'm alone.
Sure it's fun to do this together with someone, but with me being single, i'm not seeing that happen anytime soon.

About a week ago, my cousin's wife asked me what I was gonna do for Christmas.
Back then I said I didnt have any plans, but right now, I just really don't feel like 'celebrating' something that has little meaning to me now.

Ugh, Christmas sucks big time. It will be just a day of watching movies and spend it on the Xbox. Other than that, I doubt i'm willing to have much contact outside of that.

And so this was 2010...

Despite the fact that the year is not even over yet, I decided to write a review of this past year. I guess to review both good and bad things that happened.

JANUARY/FEBRUARY

It was an interesting year to say the least.
The year started pretty well to be honest. I met Diana, who was very supportive during the lesser periods of the year, mainly Christmas, New Years day and the day on which my father passed away, in January.
Not soon after things turned for the worse and we pretty much stopped talking.
I'm at peace with that and I do wish her the best in life. She's a good person, no matter what people say. And i'd always be thankful for being there for me, when I needed someone the most.

FEBRUARY/MARCH

During that period I was in a mentally ill (or let's leave it with that), cause I decided to delete everyone off my Facebook list. That caused some struggling between my friendship with @AmourSouille (on Twitter) as well.
Someone i've known for 8 years now and has always been there for me, and vice versa.
But luckily I had faith in that friendship and it still remains as strong as ever.

I also recharged my interest in Archery.
I decided to look for Archery clubs in my direct vicinity, and despite there was one, it wasn't something I was looking for. Luckily I found one in Arnhem and I decided to visit it on a saturday to see what it was like.
After a brief introduction, my heart was set on it. I was sad to hear that it would take about a year for me to be able to start off with it, unless I was lucky and someone would drop out.

MARCH/APRIL

I went to see Late Avond Idealen, that was created by VogelFabriek (Sanne Vogel).
I had such a good time and even had to participate in it by holding up a string of party flags. And even better, it was Markoesa Hamer that asked me to do this.
My God, she was such a beautiful actress. I was really taken back by her presence on stage, and especially when she was right in front of me.
And even more so, when I heard through Sanne Vogel on Twitter that she thought I was sweet/cute.

I finally got the welfare that I was waiting for, for over 3 months.
I was happy because at that point, I literally only had about 10 euro's left, when the first pay came in.


MAY

I was asked to join a re-integration project. I've decided to do this, so I would still be working somewhat. It's funny, because the first day I had to work, I called in sick. I felt so bad about that as well, as I wanted to make a good first impression at least. Well, I made an impression alright.
Almost reminded me of the time I started to work at CallCiC, and I just started to work with my former colleague Brenda, and I got sick. She thought she had seen the last of me then.
Anyways, the projects we do are sometimes exhausting, but for a good cause.
We started to work on a schoolyard, re-tiling the floor and install new play material, for the kids at this school.

JUNE/JULY

These two months were less impressive at the re-integration project.
Our new assignment was to remove Jacobaea vulgaris. This little plant can cause sickness with animals when they eat from it. They can literally die.
Although it was for a good cause, doing this during a very hot day where no shadows from trees etc can be found is not a good thing.
We had to remove it all from three small fields that normally had horses in it.
Or so we thought it would stay with these three fields.
Then came our worst nightmare come true. An entire meadow.

AUGUST

The first day of my 2 week holiday already started off bad. Not for me though.
In my street an elderly woman died, because a garbage truck backed up and ran her over. I didn't even realize anything happened, until I saw a Medic Helicopter land nearby and everyone walked out of their houses and looked at the direction, the elderly woman was at.
I was mostly disgusted by some people who were watching it from up close and complained as well how the Police taped everything off, and it restricted them from going to the supermarket. Walking around this and walking an extra 100 meters was out of the question for some. The rat bastards.
Another good thing happened. My cousin and his girlfriend finally got married in Las Vegas. I'll be honest, I thought he'd never get married. I like surprises.

SEPTEMBER

I suddenly got an email from ABC Taxus, the archery club.
They asked if I was still interested in the 10 lessons. I think I replied almost instantly.
During this time my cousin got back from his holiday in Las Vegas and they held their wedding party in their backyard. It was a lot of fun and the Bride looked stunning. On a sad note there. An old man that attended the party as well, died 3 days later.

A week before my birthday I started archery lessons. The last arrow I shot was a perfect bullseye, straight down the middle. Robin Hood or Green Arrow would have had a hard time in pulling this off. I own them really.

September 24th, my birthday. Despite I didn't really celebrate my birthday, as I never do, it was still celebrated by me, my cousin and his wife. We decided to go to an Italian restaurant in Nijmegen and I have to admit, the food was excellent there. Cute waitress there too. She looked a bit like Kim Feenstra (Dutch model).
Even got a text message on my phone from Diana, who I had not spoken with for ages, wishing me a happy birthday. That was very kind.

Also I started talking to Tracy again. I've known this girl since 2004 and i'm glad we got to talk again. I care a lot for her. She's been an amazing friend as well.

Another person I started talking to again was Brenda, my former colleague. Although it's actually communication through Hyves and E-mails, i'm glad she is also still in my life. During the time I worked with her I shared a lot of myself with her as well, and she was also one of the few people, I felt at ease with. Heck, why shouldn't I be? I used to have this major crush on her.

OCTOBER/NOVEMBER.

I've been sick a few times. Stomach flu was going around a lot and I caught a cold, which i'm still not over. Did some tests for work, and there are talks right now, that I might have a job soon that actually pays me.
I've known this for a few weeks now, but until either everything is finalized or that it won't go through, I decided to stay quiet about this, and will do, until I know more. No need to get excited over nothing ofcourse.
For the mean-time, I got more responsibility at the Re-integration project. I now own the keys to the 3 cars we have our breaks in, and whenever the foremen are gone, i'm in charge. (And i rule with an iron fist!!! (just kidding)

DECEMBER.

Although it's only the first day of September as I write this, we are having extremely cold weather. Luckily our working day was only 4 hours long, and all we did was hangout in the cars, to stay warm.

Also today I decided to order a ticket for the next theatre play from Sanne Vogel, which is on January 17th. This is more of a Poetic monologue this time, but nevertheless, as a huge fan of Sanne's work, i'm gonna go and be surprised again.

Well, that was 2010 for me so far. And although this year was somewhat better than 2009, I do hope that 2011 brings even more positive stuff for me.